This is home...

My Heart

I had the opportunity of traveling to Haiti last week before I move to the mission base in mid-January. I experienced a wide range of emotions- I am so very thankful that God is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:19). My thoughts and feelings were a potpourri of fear, excitement, insecurity, doubt, conviction, uncertainty, gratitude - whew, again, I am so thankful that God is greater than my heart and that He knows me through and through (Psalm 139).

If I can pin-point the main challenge I encountered, I'd say it can very well be boiled down to trust. Looking through my journal entries from the week, I noticed that all the emotions that were burdensome often times stemmed from not knowing how things will work out or what they will look like.

It would be much easier to trust the Lord with my life if I knew exactly how every little detail would play out - but that leaves no room for me to actually trust Him.

So yes, there are many things I don't know. I am not sure how the Lord will use my skills as a nurse, I don't really know what my role in the community at the mission base will look like, I have no clue how God will lead me to enter into my vocation (marriage/family), I don't know why He would ever send someone like myself on mission when so often I feel very weak and not quite bold in my faith - but alas, He doesn't ask me to have it all together, He just asks me for a faithful yes.

I figure, if I keep saying "yes," He will continue to lead me, mold me, refine me, strengthen me, and use me for His greater glory. At the end of the day, that is really all I want.

A dear friend of mine sent me a letter recently, and he included a quote by St. Therese of Lisieux (one of my faves): "How happy I am to feel myself imperfect and to have such need of God's mercy. It is wonderful to feel oneself weak, and small. I am glad always to find myself imperfect; indeed there lies my greatest joy..." Such a good reminder that His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9).

I often feel like, gosh, if only I were better at x, y & z I'd be set. Or I think, if I could just get rid of this and that, I'd be good. But then I think, ok if all these things I want fixed or gone are the very things that bring me to my knees in prayer, then Lord give me the grace to embrace these little crosses, because I rather be on my knees before you than to ever live like I don't need You.

The title of this blog is "This is home..." The reason is that the song by Switchfoot kept playing over and over in my head as I was reflecting on my week in Haiti.

Highlights

On a lighter note, the week in Haiti was a blessing in countless ways. I got to know, pray with, laugh with, sing with, and journey alongside the 1st year Life Teen missionaries. What a joy it was to spend time with them. And a sweet gift was that Chris Benzinger (Director for LT Missions) also came with us to Haiti. Chris is like a big brother to me and his presence in my life is such an encouragement.

I also got to spend time with 2 of my missionary sisters, Sara & Kaitlin. We lived together back in 2009 during our mission formation year (like missionary school) and they have a dear place in my heart. I actually get to live with Sara in Haiti, which is CRAZY, since we talked about how maybe one day we would be on mission together in a developing country...and now it's actually happening.

During our time in Haiti we got to:

*Visit the sick on multiple occasions in the village where our base is located - this was bittersweet. As a nurse having background in general pediatrics, ICU, clinic and ER here in the U.S.A., I am used to having resources at my fingertips and a team of people to work with. Now, in Haiti, I am the only healthcare professional on the base and I have very little resources. So when we visited the sick all I could offer was basic care (i.e. Tylenol, Motrin, explain how to manage fever/dehydration) and let people know if they should go to a hospital for further care. It was hard to not be able to give more, medically speaking. However, I was able to pray with each person we visited and thankfully every person we saw did improve.

*Have a 1.5 hour procession from the mission base to the church where praise & worship/adoration would take place, the procession was us walking (and at times dancing) in pairs of two on the side of the road, accompanied by a truck that was jammed pack with a band that was playing worship songs, with Fr. Louis and another priest also marching on, inviting people we encountered along the way to join in, all the while getting wet since it rained - it was pretty great :)

*Minister to young girls that come to the base, almost daily, with our very limited and broken Creole. These girls are beautiful and they are just thirsting to be loved and appreciated. I can't wait until I can actually speak decent Creole so we can get started on breaking open scripture with them.

*A few of the missionaries from our group accompanied Fr. Louis to a prayer gathering aimed at deliverance ministry. There is a lot of voo-doo in Haiti so this ministry is certainly needed.

*Work on construction projects at the base (kitchen, bathrooms, stations of the cross).

*Hike in the mountains to visit and pray with beautiful elderly lady Madam Mordje

*Visit the Movin' with the Spirit orphanage, Kay Mari

*Visit a monastery and pray over Haiti

A glimpse of the mission base (John Paul II Center for the New Evangelizaion):

*Our backyard - it's pretty surreal

*Hallway leading to the dinning area/2 missionary dorm rooms

*Path leading to the girls' dorm and the meeting room, boys' dorm is on the right

*Bathroom

 *Kitchen patio

 *Meeting room

I took several pictures which you can view by clicking this link.

So in conclusion, God is good, I am excited and nervous about being a part of something new, and even though there is a lot I don't know, what I do know is Whom I belong to - and that is enough.

"Severe Mercy"

Recently I have been learning a bit more about mercy. Specifically how vast and unfathomably infinite is the mercy the Lord has.

The other day, out of the blue it seemed, an old sin was brought to mind I found myself feeling downcast & discouraged. I knew this was something I had already brought to light through confession and that I had received the Lord's forgiveness, but even with this knowledge the very reminder of my mistake was enough to weigh me down. And of course the enemy took advantage and threw as much condemnation my way as possible.

I talked with a priest that day and I was able to spend some time in prayer at the Cistercian Abbey (beautiful place, check it out if you're ever in Dallas) and that was so good for my heart. When I talked with the priest he explained that after receiving the grace of absolution in confession your soul is healed from the wound the sin caused (sweet!); however, given our fallen nature and the fact that we live in the world and we are not home (heaven) yet, sin can have a psychological effect on us. So we can experience sorrow from past sin - that is expected. He likened that sorrow to having a scar from a wound. He went on to explain that it takes spiritual maturity to learn how to carry that cross when it is given to us, and unite our sorrow with Christ crucified. It strikes me now that he said "carry the cross," when I hear that, to me it immediately reminds me of Jesus carrying his cross, and how he journeyed and kept walking towards Calvary. So, the priest said we need to learn how to carry the cross - not let the cross crush you or stop walking because the cross is heavy or painful.

I don't have this figured out. But this is what I do know: When the enemy tries to bring me down by reminding me of past sin, I have a choice, I can acknowledge the truth that I am forgiven and I can use the opportunity of feeling that sorrow for sin to pray. It can be a powerful opportunity for me to fall on my knees and thank God for his mercy and to intercede for someone else. That is how I can carry the cross. Or, there's the second option - I can chose to stop, put the cross down, wallow in self-pity & give in to the destructive thoughts of condemnation. I want to chose option number one, I want to carry the cross and abide in my Father's merciful love.

I was also struggling with the question "How could I have ever done that?" And slowly but surely the Lord was revealing to me a little something about pride & the greatness of his mercy. I was getting pretty caught up in the "How could I do this?" and "How could I do that?" - so lots of "me" in there and almost a sense of unbelief that I could chose to be sinful. It was like he was telling me "Yes, you are capable of sin. You are capable of the worst sin BUT that is not what matters, what matters is that my mercy FAR SURPASSES even the worst sin. My mercy is greater." So with that, two other things came to mind: 1) the phrase "severe mercy," and 2) St. Therese of Lisieux.

One of my roommates is reading a book entitled A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I have never read the book but when I heard the title a while back, the phrase just struck me. It made me think of God's mercy as severe, it sounds fitting. I want to read that book, so far I've heard very good things. Concerning St. Therese of Lisieux, in her autobiography, Story of a Soul, she described God's mercy with such radical confidence. She wrote that if she were to commit every possible sin but sought the Lord's forgiveness, it would be like a drop of water (all the possible sins) thrown into a fiery furnace (the Lord's mercy). So the sins would be completely consumed and nothing but his mercy would remain.

I will close with this quote by John Newton, "My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things; That I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour."  - and praise God that He is.

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt

Wisdom Teeth Rant - or should I be Thankful?

So I got my wisdom teeth (a whopping 4 teeth, 2 of 'em were impacted) surgically removed this past Wednesday. OH MY GOODNESS. I have not had any major surgery since I was 6 years old. Getting 4 teeth taken out of my mouth has proven to be more difficult than I anticipated.

The actual surgery was not the issue, I was under anesthesia for that part, it's more the post-op days that have hit me like a Mac truck. I knew I would have to eat things like pudding, ice cream and mashed potatoes. I knew I would of be out-of-commission as far as work goes, I knew I would be on bed rest so I could fully recover....but I didn't know how the combination of all these things would affect me.

I grew tired of eating mushy things by day 2. I am still avoiding solid foods but I every time I head to the fridge, the thought of my options (pudding, yogurt, soup, apple sauce) make me feel like a 5-year old being forced to eat brussels sprouts.

My first 2 days of lounging on the couch & watching movies were ok. But after that, I began getting cabin fever. I wanted to break free! I yearned to go for a walk, to start packing my clothes (to get ready for my move back to ATL), to do something that required movement.  So alas, here I am on day 4 after the surgery and I had to miss work tonight because I am still not fully recovered :(

In the midst of all this whining- I feel like the Lord has been trying to speak to me. A consistent thought has been "thankful." Like God has been telling me, "Ok, I know you are tired, I know you are hurting, I know you are frustrated...but take a minute to really look at your current situation and tell me what you are thankful for." BOOM. I think the Lord has been saying that over and over since I began growing frustration instead of thankfulness.

There are a vast number of things for me to be thankful for! Way more than for me to whine about.
Here are a few:

1. The surgery went well, no complications
2. My friend Rachel took almost a whole day off from work so she could take care of me
3. My friend Becca got me a slew of movies so I could watch
4. Becca also bought me a yummy smoothie from Jamba Juice & she visited me
5. I've gotten calls from family & friends checking in on me
6. I have a house I can rest at
7. I have a job that can pay for my health insurance so I could get the surgery
8. I have food to eat
9. I was able to get the surgery before moving to Haiti
10. Being the "patient" instead of the nurse is teaching me way more in the way of compassion, it is s easy to forget how our physical bodies can take a toll on our emotional well-being

So, yes - there is plenty to be thankful for.

After realizing this my immediate temptation is to become frustrated with myself for getting frustrated and not being thankful and not being good enough etc....and to this I must stand firm and say "NO!" I can stand in my Heavenly Father's unconditional love for me, the infinite patience He has for me. And you know what, even when I can't stand, I can very well fall on my knees and know He has me.

I think in times like these where my heart is being molded & refined, God looks at me with tenderness. He does not look at me with condemnation. God does want me to see how the posture of my heart needs to change, but He does not want me to wallow in self-pity when I realize I make a mistake. He shows me these things (in this case, how I can embrace a posture of thankfulness) so I can grow in His likeness and so I can better receive His love.

Video Footage!

A short video on the mission thus far:

The Shepherd's Cafe

So last night was my last night at The Shepherd's Cafe. I have been on staff with TSC for the past 2 years and it has been an incredible blessing in my life. We (the staff) are like one big family. We have laughed together so hard that we end up in tears, we have prayed together, we have shed tears when things are hard, we have made things work when we it seemed impossible, we have journeyed with our beloved CFR friars, and we have been blessed to meet several Catholic artists that are truly seeking after God's own heart - all the while enjoying some great coffee and having the privilege to enter into the Lord's vineyard through Mission Coffee Ministries.

Words can't fully describe how much I love my Shepherd's Cafe family - the transition from full-time missions back into working at a hospital in a totally new city (I moved from Georgia to Dallas in 2010) was one of the hardest things I've done. I left my family, my friends & my missionary family all in one fell swoop.  When God opened the door for me to join TSC, my heart was just so encouraged. I was welcomed with open arms and time and time again I was told that "we are a family" and that "we are here for each other." It's amazing to me that I have grown to love a group of people so much - and to be honest I'm tearing up thinking about the fact that I won't get to see them as often as I have been blessed to over the past 2 years. But alas, I know we are united in the Eucharist so that gives my heart consolation.

Last night, at the very end of the cafe, Yong asked me to come up in front of everybody to be prayed over...so I'm pretty shy depending on the setting, and since I wasn't prepared for this, Lauren (one of our staff members) and Becca (a dear friend of mine) had to literally push me so I would walk towards the stage haha :) I'm glad they did, I was prayed over by the staff and whole bunch of people that attended the cafe that night (a large crew from UD was present) and I was very blessed. It was an answered prayer because given my crazy work schedule (I work in the Emergency Department at a children's hospital, night shift) I have not been able to settle down into one particular parish. I go to mass wherever I can given my work schedule, so I haven't gotten a chance to get to know the people at any particular parish. I was thinking it would be nice to be sent off in prayer by one of the parishes I have been a part of, and last night that desire in my heart was answered :)

If you are ever in Dallas, check out The Shepherd's Cafe. I know you will be blessed just as much as I have been.

This song is pretty appropriate, I was listening to it while typing this up :)

Update from the Haiti Mission Base!

Hello all :)

The team in Haiti has sent an update. Amazing - God calls us to step out in faith and He always provides. I love how he calls us to simplicity in order to draw us deeper into His heart which is so beyond words. Please pray for us all and if possible, consider making a financial donation

Here it is:


"We received phones yesterday. Sara and Paul & Anna's had to be unlocked in Port-au-Prince and that took 2 days. We have no internet just using phones right now.

With just one week here we have had a lot of physical needs to attend to. A few days without water and intermittent power. Sean &; Sara spent a day with Fr. Louis at a monastery. It sounded awesome. There was not enough room to transport the whole team so Paul, Anna, Nathaniel & Stephen stayed at the base and busted walls to make a doorway for the nursery and a window in the chapel.

Another day Sean and Stephen went to Port Au Prince with Fr. Louis to get material goods which included shopping at a Home Depot type store and an amazing visit at Food for the Poor where we witnessed 1500 families being provided cooked meals EVERY day! Wow touches the heart. But their resources have been serioulsly cut. We were able to receive a container filled with furniture for the mission base. Great! Trip turned out to be an overnighter. Fr Louis went back today for a washing machine and stove.

We joined 100s for an amazing procession on the First Day of the Year of Faith. It was beautiful. We walked miles to the church singing and praying. The Alberts followed in truck. Bishop Dumas was so glad to see us and had us stand up in the Mass that followed the procession as he spoke of our mission to the entire crowd.

We attended Sunday Mass at St. Charles in Charlier where we will start Life Teen very soon. We drove because Fr.Louis Was running late but normally we will walk. There were lots of kids there. They hung around with us after. Life Teen will be so welcomed at this parish! With the exception of the two Masses at local churches and the two outings we have been here at the CJPIINE (JPII Center of New Evangeliztion) bonding and serving alongside one another. Needs are being appraised (and often put on hold) with respect to available funds. We also have bigger ideas but they need to wait like replacing the old leaky cement water storage tank on top of the bath house with plastic storage tanks. Not only does that require funds but a lot of labor in the demo of existing tank. We have agreed we need less "nice" food. 'Tite-Seour has prepared very good food but we are up for more simple meals allowing her more time to be missionary with us rather than for us.

Monday on JPII Day we are hosting a big celebration with 500 guests at the base!! Ought to be spectacular with praise and worship. The bishop will be here for that.

Our rhythm of prayer is good. We have Mass scheduled at 6:15 AM followed by Holy Hour and Morning Prayer. Evening Prayer before supper and night prayer after that. All of our liturgy of the hours and Mass celebrations have been English/Creole but more and more Creole each day. We’ve enjoyed increasing our personal use of the language in conversation, prayer and song. All are doing well and Sean is really determined to speak the language.

Our little community is not so little. In addition to Paul, Sara, Anna, Sean, Nathaniel, Fr.Louis and Stephen, we have 'Tite Seour who cooks and has 2 helpers, Marc Arthur, Reginald our "guardian. Clement has come to help with plumbing and electric and Rueben with masonry. So much to be done. Meschel, Fr. Louis’ brother, has also been here. Joe and Katy have come to visit from Moving With the Spirit. Local priests have come to visit. In fact, our first 2 days we had 20+ people here representing local parishes who were on retreat. In a few weeks 10 seminarians and a priest will
begin formation for a year. The school is still here for now but we have been so busy we haven't really been part of that.

Sean & Stephen are in a beach facing room in the guy's "dorm" the one just beyond the "main house."where Fr. Louis, the Albert’s, and Sara live. (We need to name these buildings.) We listen to the waves crash into beach that greet us in the morning and are like a lullaby at night. In the next room there has been one who keeps a Hatian radio station on all night. Pretty sure it is mostly praise and preaching. I can pick up parts.

The government is doing a great job of paving the road and making nice concrete ditches but we had no way to cross into the mission until late today. It has been a little awkward carrying stuff in and out.

This mission family is amazing and we love being part of it. It seems like we've been here longer than a week especially when you look at what we have had to do in order to get settled. Next week language classes will begin every day but Fr. Louis and Stephen will both be leaving for the US. We all really love having Nathaniel, especially Stephen Smith with 10 grands back in US. We have not done much laundry, just a few undies and diapers in a sink. No fresh water river here to wash in and we were without water a few days too. Most of us have had enough clean clothes so far. Today Fr Louis will return with a washing machine.

If the cement is hard and dry today we will paint and set up our Adoration Chapel for immediate use. It is the old radio station. I had to bust out the center wall that made it two rooms (2 day job with a small hammer) and a hole in the back for a moved window. All that's done now. Exciting!!

Thanks for your love and prayers."

A couple of pics from Haiti

I wanted to share a couple of pictures I have of Haiti. One is from the clinic that is located right next door to the mission base. I hope to serve in the clinic given my background as a pediatric nurse. The second picture is the truck we were able to purchase with the donations people have made to the Haiti Big Board

Waiting...

Yesterday my fellow missionaries arrived in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. I am very excited for our new mission team and the ways God has been providing. I would have never imagined this is what the Lord had in store.

I think their moving makes my upcoming move in January more real and at the same time, it still feels a bit surreal. I'm still living in Dallas, going about my daily grind, still checking off things on my to-do lists...still waiting. This whole waiting thing seems to be a theme in my life in the past, well, maybe 2-3 years. 

In my limited perspective I feel like there are many aches and longings that I communicate to the Lord, and I often feel as if I'm still waiting for Him to respond. Given that I feel I've been in a season of waiting for quite some time, adding on Haiti to waiting list can be challenging for me.

But you know how often times, something in your life keeps happening over and over again? The circumstances are different, but the same struggle seems to raise its little head up to meet you? That is usually when I come to realize that maybe, just maybe, the Lord is trying to teach me something, and He is using different avenues to do so. He is so patient, and at the same time so relentless in His pursuit for every part of me. 

So maybe, even though I feel like I've been waiting forever to rid myself of insecurity, or enter into my vocation, or be sent on the Lord's mission - maybe He has already broken many chains of insecurities that I've failed to even notice, maybe I can begin entering into my vocation by allowing the Lord to have me exactly where He has me, maybe I've already been "sent" many times but it hasn't looked like the way I would have expected. So yes, I am in a season of waiting but that doesn't mean the Lord isn't invested in my heart, that doesn't mean that nothing is happening - because believe me a whole lot has happened in the past 2-3 years.