I had the opportunity of traveling to Haiti last week before I move to the mission base in mid-January. I experienced a wide range of emotions- I am so very thankful that God is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:19). My thoughts and feelings were a potpourri of fear, excitement, insecurity, doubt, conviction, uncertainty, gratitude - whew, again, I am so thankful that God is greater than my heart and that He knows me through and through (Psalm 139).
If I can pin-point the main challenge I encountered, I'd say it can very well be boiled down to trust. Looking through my journal entries from the week, I noticed that all the emotions that were burdensome often times stemmed from not knowing how things will work out or what they will look like.
It would be much easier to trust the Lord with my life if I knew exactly how every little detail would play out - but that leaves no room for me to actually trust Him.
So yes, there are many things I don't know. I am not sure how the Lord will use my skills as a nurse, I don't really know what my role in the community at the mission base will look like, I have no clue how God will lead me to enter into my vocation (marriage/family), I don't know why He would ever send someone like myself on mission when so often I feel very weak and not quite bold in my faith - but alas, He doesn't ask me to have it all together, He just asks me for a faithful yes.
I figure, if I keep saying "yes," He will continue to lead me, mold me, refine me, strengthen me, and use me for His greater glory. At the end of the day, that is really all I want.
A dear friend of mine sent me a letter recently, and he included a quote by St. Therese of Lisieux (one of my faves): "How happy I am to feel myself imperfect and to have such need of God's mercy. It is wonderful to feel oneself weak, and small. I am glad always to find myself imperfect; indeed there lies my greatest joy..." Such a good reminder that His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9).
I often feel like, gosh, if only I were better at x, y & z I'd be set. Or I think, if I could just get rid of this and that, I'd be good. But then I think, ok if all these things I want fixed or gone are the very things that bring me to my knees in prayer, then Lord give me the grace to embrace these little crosses, because I rather be on my knees before you than to ever live like I don't need You.
The title of this blog is "This is home..." The reason is that the song by Switchfoot kept playing over and over in my head as I was reflecting on my week in Haiti.
Highlights
On a lighter note, the week in Haiti was a blessing in countless ways. I got to know, pray with, laugh with, sing with, and journey alongside the 1st year Life Teen missionaries. What a joy it was to spend time with them. And a sweet gift was that Chris Benzinger (Director for LT Missions) also came with us to Haiti. Chris is like a big brother to me and his presence in my life is such an encouragement.
I also got to spend time with 2 of my missionary sisters, Sara & Kaitlin. We lived together back in 2009 during our mission formation year (like missionary school) and they have a dear place in my heart. I actually get to live with Sara in Haiti, which is CRAZY, since we talked about how maybe one day we would be on mission together in a developing country...and now it's actually happening.
During our time in Haiti we got to:
*Visit the sick on multiple occasions in the village where our base is located - this was bittersweet. As a nurse having background in general pediatrics, ICU, clinic and ER here in the U.S.A., I am used to having resources at my fingertips and a team of people to work with. Now, in Haiti, I am the only healthcare professional on the base and I have very little resources. So when we visited the sick all I could offer was basic care (i.e. Tylenol, Motrin, explain how to manage fever/dehydration) and let people know if they should go to a hospital for further care. It was hard to not be able to give more, medically speaking. However, I was able to pray with each person we visited and thankfully every person we saw did improve.
*Have a 1.5 hour procession from the mission base to the church where praise & worship/adoration would take place, the procession was us walking (and at times dancing) in pairs of two on the side of the road, accompanied by a truck that was jammed pack with a band that was playing worship songs, with Fr. Louis and another priest also marching on, inviting people we encountered along the way to join in, all the while getting wet since it rained - it was pretty great :)
*Minister to young girls that come to the base, almost daily, with our very limited and broken Creole. These girls are beautiful and they are just thirsting to be loved and appreciated. I can't wait until I can actually speak decent Creole so we can get started on breaking open scripture with them.
*A few of the missionaries from our group accompanied Fr. Louis to a prayer gathering aimed at deliverance ministry. There is a lot of voo-doo in Haiti so this ministry is certainly needed.
*Work on construction projects at the base (kitchen, bathrooms, stations of the cross).
*Hike in the mountains to visit and pray with beautiful elderly lady Madam Mordje
*Visit the Movin' with the Spirit orphanage, Kay Mari
*Visit a monastery and pray over Haiti
A glimpse of the mission base (John Paul II Center for the New Evangelizaion):
*Our backyard - it's pretty surreal
*Hallway leading to the dinning area/2 missionary dorm rooms
*Path leading to the girls' dorm and the meeting room, boys' dorm is on the right
*Bathroom
I took several pictures which you can view by clicking this link.
So in conclusion, God is good, I am excited and nervous about being a part of something new, and even though there is a lot I don't know, what I do know is Whom I belong to - and that is enough.
