God Laughs

--> Last night the psalm response for daily mass was “Lord you are merciful and gracious” (Psalm 86). I’ve heard about his mercy and grace my whole life. But last night I had a revelation. It wasn’t expected and it didn’t hit me like roaring thunder. It was more like a whisper and truth settled in my soul, gently, yet firmly.

He is full of mercy. He is full of grace. He is merciful; he is patient on an infinite scale. To often I feel that my faith should be perfect, unwavering, without any bit of doubt or feeling shaken. 

I’ve come to realize that on this side of heaven, although I truly desire with every part of me to love and trust Him perfectly, the reality is that I will fall short. There will be times of struggle. There will be times of intense aridity that can make doubt a heavy and almost crushing load. That in a way is inevitable in this world, in this season of life.

But what I think was revealed in my heart yesterday is that God knows I will fall short. He knows my faith will not always be strong. God knows my trust in him will at times fail. He knows all that. It’s not news to him. He knew all of that before I even came into this world. But what I know now with greater assurance and conviction is that he is merciful. I think he looks at my faithfulness. I think he cares much more that I chose to love him and follow him, even if my head and my heart at times seem to feel anything but certain. He is merciful because he knows – he knows me.  

There is peace resting in His mercy in grace.

In his book, Faith & Doubt, John Ortbergh refers to G.K. Chesterton’s final chapter in Orthodoxy. He sets it up by giving an example. Imagine you have a 5 year-old daughter. She becomes very sick and needs to have surgery. You don’t know what is wrong but you are worried and fearful that she might die. Remember all you know is that she is really sick and the doctor told you she needs surgery. The doctor approaches you and explains your daughter needs to have her tonsils taken out, a very routine procedure and she will be fine. You are relieved and joyful. You proceed to enter your child’s hospital room and attempt to reassure her that everything will be ok. But your child is terrified; she is nervous and does not yet understand.

Ortbergh continues,

“So you cannot let her see the lightness of your heart. You cant joke around. You can’t laugh. She would think you didn’t care. You must take her fear seriously. You must let her know empathize. But every once in a while you have to leave her sickroom. You have to be able to laugh. You know all will be well. What if the human condition is something like this?...What if all things are going to be well? What if Jesus knew? Really knew? Then everything would have looked different to him. God would be the parent and we would be the 5 year-old in the sickroom. And God would have to accommodate himself to us; he would have to knit his brow, nod his head and take our fear seriously. But every once in a while God would have to excuse himself just to go outside and laugh.”   

This example sets up the G.K. Chesterton excerpt well. In Orthodoxy, Chesterton writes:

“Joy which was the small publicity of the pagan, is the gigantic secret of the Christian…The Stoics ancient and modern, were proud of conceiling their tears. He [Jesus] never concealed his tears, he showed them plainly on his open face at any daily sight, such as the far sight of his native city. Yet he concealed something. Solemn supermen and imperial diplomats are proud of restraining their anger. He never restrained his anger. He flung furniture down the front steps of the temple and asked men how they expected to escape the damnation of hell. Yet he restrained something. I say it with reverence; there was in that shattering personality a thread that must be called shyness. There was something that he hid from all men when he went up the mountain to pray There was something covered constantly by abrupt silence or impetuous isolation. There was one thing that was too great for God to show us when he walked on earth; I have sometimes fancied it was his mirth”

Can you imagine? His mirth. Wow. So, my heavenly Father knows. He knows everything so well, and he is merciful and gracious. And he laughs. Not a condescending or careless laughter. He laughs because he knows that all will be well. What blessed assurance! He tenderly acknowledges my fears and insecurities but he can be joyful because he is fearless and absolutely secure.

In this life I may stumble and at times fall. I might feel shaken. I might have days that I thoroughly understand that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I might have days were certainty is hard to come by. But that is ok. Because he is full of mercy, because he is full of limitless grace. He calls me, asks me to strive for perfection but he does not say that I will not have trouble or trials. When those come my way, I have the choice, even if I feel all kinds of frailty, to follow him. I can chose even if I’m burdened with doubt, to trust him. He can take my feeble attempt at following him and loving him with all my might, and he can make it good. He can transform my fragile faith into unwavering conviction.  A priest recently told me that here on earth, we are never going to love or trust God enough. We don’t have the ability to love and trust him as he deserves due to our fallen nature. But get this, that is ok. He knows all about our fallen nature. I think he delights in our efforts, even if we stumble.

Two songs came to mind as I was reflecting today: 

Caedmon's Call, "Shifting Sand"

Alli Rogers, "Choosing"

 

Sweet Jinli - Life Teen Haiti

Where have all the mangoes gone?

-->

Seasons - in Haiti, there are marked seasons for different kinds of produce. It never really dawned on me that each season determines what kind of fruits and vegetables you get to eat. I’ve lived in Guatemala, California, Maryland, Atlanta and Dallas. Everywhere I have lived, I’ve had access to pretty much anything I would like to eat at any time, yes, sometimes maybe one or two things weren’t available but that wasn’t a frequent occurrence.

Haiti on the other hand is a whole other story. If something isn’t in season, you simply don’t get it. You have no option but to wait for the season to come back around. For example, a couple of months ago we were right in the peak of mango season – and it was fantastic. One night, Paul, Anna and I ate 14 mangoes in one sitting! They were so good, and toss in the fact that they are good for you – we were sold, and we had a jolly old time feasting on this tropical fruit.

Mango Season

Kinnep Season

Well mango season has passed, so we no longer have access to this treat. We have all mentioned at one time or another how much we enjoyed mango season and wished it was a year-round fruit. But then their came the “kinep” season (also known as quenepa) which was pretty tasty. This season is currently in its last days, so lately we have been trying to get every bit of fruit off the tree before they all spoil and rot.

Paul mentioned we can get mangoes from Port-au-Prince, people refrigerate mangoes to try and have them last past their season. But many of the locals will tell you, they are not as good as when they are in season and often times you get rotten mangoes. Now for kineps, there is no way around it, you can’t make them last longer, they will rot.

Being a foodie myself, I have become increasingly aware of the kinds of food available to us with each season in Haiti. It struck me recently that I am more appreciative of what each season brings, because I know the facts: 1) The supply is available for a limited amount of time 2) The produce is best enjoyed when in season 3) If you try to keep the produce past the season, it will likely rot 4) If you try and eat a fruit before it’s ripe, it does not taste good and you’ve just wasted a perfectly good treat of nature, all because of your refusal to wait.

So this got me thinking about life, and how each season in my life, God has different gifts He desires to give me at that appointed time. If I trust that God has ordained with careful precision that said gifts be given to me at an appointed time, then I will be able to enjoy them and gain some sort of growth/strengthening in my heart (just as fruit is healthy for your body and allows it to function on a more optimal level).

So what are the gifts (at least the ones I’ve been able to recognize so far) since my arrival in Haiti?

• Feeling completely outside of my element when I am the only English speaker trying to understand a myriad of native Haitians chatting it up in Creole. If I am paying enough attention, this serves as a reminder of the importance of communication, of the deep seeded desire to be in communion with others, to be heard, to understand and to be understood. If I remember this every time I am in this setting, this could be a great opportunity (gift) to enter in conversation with the Lord.

• Sabbath days, when I get to go down to the beach, spend time with the Lord, and feel like a little kid in a majestic playground (beach, mountains, blue sky fading into all sort of pink, orange, yellow and purple hues).

• Being single, all the while having the conviction and desire in my heart for marriage and family. Although challenging and at times lonely, it is helping me appreciate the time that I have now with the Lord, a very unique time that I won’t have in the same capacity once I am married. And it is helping me to be way more intentional in praying for my future husband and family.

 

Playing with Nathaniel, our missionary baby (Paul & Anna's son)- love him!

• Getting to provide medical care to people in need. Even though I am currently not able to do as much as I would like (resources, needing more education to expand my practice etc.). This setting as a nurse has confirmed to a greater degree the calling to practice nursing. Also, it has sparked a newfound desire and passion to expand my education and learn more regarding my practice, so that I can provide more care for my patients.

 

Some of the medical supplies that have been donated to our base

• Living in community. It’s a good, difficult, shaping, and fruitful venture. A friend talked about his relationship with his wife once (whom he loves dearly), and he said that she is like sand paper to him and vice versa. They smooth each other out, and it can be rough at times but it is good. In community, there have been definite seasons of sanding out each other’s rough edges.

• Times of aridity in prayer and times of spiritual attack. These gifts are much more difficult for me to receive with trust and joy. My tendency is to think something has gone horribly wrong and that causes stress and anxiety. Little by little though, I am learning to remember that the Lord is sovereign, and He allows seasons to come and go with it’s gifts for a good and holy purpose. When I remember that, my heart is able to endure the pain of trials and refinement, with the knowledge in my head and in my heart that His hand is holding my heart and He’s got me, and I’m safe.

Good reminder a friend sent me from her Magnificat

 

In the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3, verse 1 it says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” My prayer is that I can remember this, and when my memory gets murky and I find it hard to enter into the season the Lord is giving me, that by His grace I’d be reminded of this truth. 

I will wait

Waiting. A topic that is quite prevalent among several young adults that I know. I've heard about waiting, read about waiting, sung about waiting, talked about waiting, prayed about waiting - all the while...waiting.

As I wondered what I could blog about this month, I hesitated to write on this particular subject. For one it's somewhat vulnerable, secondly I've read several solid truths on the matter that I am sure most young Christians who are called to marriage and are seeking to follow the Lord wholeheartedly have already come across. So this is nothing new, not a revolutionary revelation, it's just what the Lord has been teaching me, personally.

I am 29 years old and I've never been in a serious relationship. I came to know the Lord, to really enter into a relationship with Him when I was about 15 years old. Prior to my full conversion of heart, I was very much focused on having to have a boyfriend because everyone else was in that boat. I very much believed my worth was weighed by whether or not I was in a relationship. After encountering Christ, I knew that was a flat out lie. I came to know and believe the truth that my worth is and will always be found in Him. It was during that time of transformation that I told the Lord I did not want to date until He deigned it to be the right time, I even went as far as to ask Him to not let me date until my husband was ready for me and I for him. Well, let's just say God certainly heard that prayer and has been faithful to it. And even though it can be difficult, I can honestly say that I am thankful.

It's not easy but rather wait than settle. I rather wait than date for the sake of dating. I rather wait to receive than grasp for what was never intended to be given to me (we all know what happened with Eve). I will wait. Waiting doesn't mean I am putting my life on hold until my husband comes along. Waiting doesn't mean I will let marriage/family become an idol. Waiting doesn't mean I won't have joy. Waiting doesn't mean my life won't have daily surprises, new lessons to be learned, new miracles to attest to, a deeper understanding of His love, a greater appreciation of His mercy and a greater reliance on His guiding hand. 

As I wait on Him (the Lord), and as I wait for him (my spouse), my heart is actively being cultivated and sown by the hands of the Sower. Fruit is coming forth. Branches are being pruned. Life is budding forth. And when the time is right, when the appointed season (as ordained by His divine wisdom and perfect love) arrives, then the active waiting for my spouse will end. A new chapter will begin, His will be all the glory as I can attest to the brilliance of His penmanship in the book of my life, and another season of waiting will commence. And that too will be good, because He is ALL GOOD and can only give good gifts.

I am aware of the ache in my heart, more than I have ever been. But I am also aware that this ache is part of my life, and it is not meant to dominate it nor suffocate it. It brings me to my knees in prayer, expands my capacity to love, and increases my reliance on the Lord. And all of that is good. I m also aware that just because I am called to wait on Him in this way right now, that does not mean my life is at a halt - not at all. He wakes me up every day, He breathes life into my lungs every few seconds, He makes my heart beat an average of 86,400 beats a day - He is giving me life so that I can LIVE IT. So that is what I want to do - " carpe diem," they say. So yes, I will wait and as I wait, I will seize each and every day.

Plan...to be surprised

“I want to talk to you about the subject of plans… life plans and how we all make them, and how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, most of our plans don’t work out as we’d hoped. So instead of asking our young people, ‘What are your plans? What do you plan to do with your life?’, maybe we should tell them this: Plan… to be surprised.” –Dan in Real Life

So this quote is from one of my favorite movies.  I make plans all the time, and in one sense that is ok and totally normal. If I don’t take the time to pray, discern and plan things, then my life wouldn’t move forward in a fruitful way.

What I like about this quote is that it reminds me that in the midst of all my planning, I shouldn’t forget that it’s likely that my plans will not turn out exactly the way I envision them.

After living in Haiti for almost 6 months now, I am more keenly aware of how when my plans start taking a u-turn I didn’t see coming, my first reaction is to…mildly freak out. I start wondering if I made a major mistake, if I am even capable of discernment or if I have just been wasting time because obviously things aren’t going according to plan…or are they? They might not be going according to my pretty-packaged-precise plan, BUT does my plan really take precedence? Does my plan surpass the story the Author of life is capable of writing? Well, when you put it that way – no. 

I know that his ways are above mine (Isaiah 55:8-9) and his plans for me far outweigh the goodness I could ever conjure up myself (Jeremiah 29:11).

I want to live in His freedom, trusting that he wants me to participate in His creative work, and trusting that as the main Artist, He is more than able to guide the strokes of my little paintbrush.

About two days ago, Loucie & Taina came over to the base. I wanted to include them in making a sign for our youth hang out spot. I really had a strong desire to have them participate and be invested in this, because I want them to feel like they are part of a family of faith. The made the sign pretty much by themselves. I just gave them some pointers. When Taina started mixing all the colors together with a little too much water I helped her out so it didn’t turn out like a puddle of brown water :) And in the end, the sign turned out awesome. I absolutely loved seeing them put all their effort and creativity into the art project. I loved encouraging them. I loved seeing their joy as they participated in this project with me. I loved seeing their creativity gush forth by just opening the door through a small invitation.

So I figure, if working with Loucie & Taina brought me so much joy, if having them participate with me in this creative work, how much more does the Lord delight in having us participate in His creative work – the story of our lives? Loucie & Taina trusted me when I gave them tips, they didn’t rebel and stick to a strict plan they envisioned. It was a collaborative work – and it was good. 

Mangoes, Bibles & Soap

-->

Mango season has started here in Haiti and it’s pretty fantastic. It means we get to eat all kinds of mangoes (I had no idea such a variety of mangoes existed!) almost on a daily basis. It’s a simple little joy that God has blessed me with because I really enjoy eating them – I feel like a little kid during summer time, getting to eat a great snack and not having a care in the world if my face and hands are covered in sticky mango juice.

Over the past month we have received several Creole Bibles that were donated by our mission partners – THANK YOU! Because of your donations, we have been able to go out into the village and share the Word with our neighbors. It has been incredible to witness how God provided us with a better handle on the language and how the people we visited were so eager to receive the Gospel. Saint Irenaeus once said, “The glory of God is man most fully alive,” that came to mind when we got to break open the Word in people’s homes – my heart was brought to life in a new way, because I was given the opportunity to go and share the Good News, in a language I am still learning and despite my own fears and insecurities. God is so faithful!

Last week we had a group of 8 youth ministers/core members come to spend a week with us at the base. It was so GREAT! I absolutely loved having people join in on our rhythm of life – praying with us, sharing meals, working side by side on work projects, visiting the poor, visiting those in prison, visiting the sick – it brought my heart great encouragement to be around people whose hearts are convicted in truth and who have the same love and desire to make Christ known to the ends of the earth. We have encountered Love Incarnate, we know the Solution for the aches & pains of this world - woe to us if we do not share Him!

Soap? Well, today I was excited about taking my shower because I was covered in bug spray (mosquitoes have been particularly vicious lately). Unfortunately I didn’t get very far because as soon as I had soaped up, our water stopped working. So there I was covered in suds, I had to wipe off the soap and get a bucket to fetch water. It was somewhat comical, I was standing there in unbelief, laughing out loud thinking, “Um, what am I supposed to do now?” Paul & Anna saw me walk out of the bathroom with my disheveled wet hair, soap covered feet and big white bucket. I laughed and explained what happened, and they both reacted to sweetly – they said that next time I can just scream and they can get a bucket for me. Paul took the bucket from me, cleaned it, filled it with water and carried it back to the bathroom for me. What struck me was how my missionary brother & sister really cared and took the time to help a soapy sister out. It was like getting a hug for my heart. That lead me to think of recent conversations I have had with some of my missionary brothers lately (Fr. Louis, Paul & Sean). After having a series of good, fruitful and insightful conversations the past few days, I have come to realize how I am blessed by their love & care for me. They have shown genuine interest in my well-being and have shown how they are protective (in a good way) of my heart. They’ve also shown how they really desire good things for my life. It wasn’t grand gestures that made me realize this, it was just conversations that brought this beautiful gift to my attention.

God is doing good things here in Haiti. People are coming to know and believe Whose they are and what they were created for, and that is literally setting hearts free to be fully alive. I am excited for what God has in store. My heart is at peace with His movement, even if I can’t always see or understand what He is doing – what I do know is that it is good, because He is all good, and He cannot go against Himself. So I have confidence in that unshakable truth.  

This Is Haiti (T.I.H.)

So a movie came out a while back staring Leonardo Di Caprio called “Blood Diamond.” It was about the corruption in the diamond industry in Africa. In one of the scenes, when Leo’s character meets a young journalist who is trying to get more information to expose this corruption, they get to talking about all the problems, corruption and particularities of Africa, and the response he gives to her is “T.I.A.” When she asks him what that means, he explains that it means, “This is Africa.” He goes on to explain that the corruption, difficulties, problems & particularities are just the way things are in Africa, and these things don’t phase him as he has just come to accept it, ergo his response of T.I.A.

About 1 month ago, as Fr. Louis, Michel (Fr. Louis’ brother), Sara, MarcArthur (Haitian missionary) and me were driving to see the Missionaries of Charity we got to talking about the many things that are so…Haiti. So I remembered that movie, and in particular that scene, and I thought to myself “This is Haiti.” So now every time something happens, that could only happen here or is just normal/expected by Haitian standards, our response is “T.I.H.”

For example:

1. Waking up in the morning and having this conversation like it’s no big deal - Question: “Did you hear the rats last night? They were crazy!” Answer: “Nope, I slept through that this time.” – T.I.H.

2. Driving down the street in your pick up and stopping several times to give rides to strangers along the way, sometimes fitting up to 13 people in the back of the truck – T.I.H.

3. Kidnapping your neighbor’s cat, cooking it, inviting that same neighbor over for dinner and serving their cat as the meal as a practical joke. This actually happens here, and people think it’s funny – T.I.H.

4. Using the horn in your car to say “Hello,” “Goodbye,” “Thank you,” “You’re welcome,” “I’m close to your car” “I’m far away from your car” “I am driving on the curve of this mountain and I can’t see if there’s anyone coming on the opposite direction” “Nice to see you again” “I don’t want to see you again” “What are you doing?” “You’re moving too slow,” “You’re moving too fast” “Move!” – really, any phrase you can think of – T.I.H.

5. Walking down the street and having a little kid scream with a look of fright on his face, “Blan! Blan! Blan! Blan!” (Translation: White!) – T.I.H

6. Finding crabs in the dining room or in your shower – T.I.H.

7. Having pet goats & chickens, and finding out after dinner that you just ate your pet – T.I.H

8. Having the beach as your backyard – T.I.H.

9. Having a group of little kids put together a whole dance & song performance because it’s your birthday – T.I.H.

10.Having a group of men fight over who gets to eat the goat brains – T.I.H.   

On a more serious note, there are many things in Haiti that have increased my awareness for the need of mission hearted people to invest in this country:

1. A family of four or more people living in a small hut with a dirt floor that is smaller than our bathroom – T.I.H.

2. The all too frequent smell of burning trash – T.I.H.

3. Having to fight with hospital staff so a young girl who is in respiratory distress can get oxygen, finally getting them to agree and then having them tell you, you have to pay for the oxygen before they will administer it, all the while this young girl is barely able to breathe – T.I.H.

4. Meeting three little kids at an orphanage, who were abandoned by their parents because they have physical and mental disabilities – T.I.H.

5. Hearing the girls that come hang out at the base tell you they are ugly daily, and trying to explain to them that they have worth and beauty. Then having a conversation with one of their moms who tells you in front of her young daughters that Haitian’s are ugly, and then point to one of the kids calling her ugly, explaining to you why their hair, features & skin aren’t good enough – T.I.H.

6. Realizing that in Haiti, unlike other developing countries I have been too, there aren’t pockets of poverty throughout the country, poverty is all around you – T.I.H.

7. Witnessing several young kids have negative spiritual manifestations at prayer meetings or church, then finding out their parents had them “baptized” by a voodoo priest when they were babies – T.I.H.

8. Meeting a 22-year old young man who has some sort of muscular dystrophy, he is about the size of a 6 year old, with several severe contractions on all his limbs, and very malnourished. Finding out his life consists of sitting on the dirt floor of his hut, everyday, without much interaction. All the while thinking if he had access to physical and speech therapy his quality of life would improve greatly, but he doesn’t – T.I.H.

9. Realizing that that several kids in our village don’t have a relationship with their fathers, because they either abandon them or have another family elsewhere – T.I.H.

10.Watching little kids, sometime as young as 5 or 6 years old, walking several miles up and down the street with huge plastic containers just to get clean water for their homes – T.I.H.

Being a missionary in Haiti is not easy. There are so many problems, so very many obstacles. Often times it can seem almost impossible for things to get better. I was recently told that Haiti has been called the “missionary graveyard,” after being here a little over 2 months I can see why that phrase came about. That being said, even if the outlook for Haiti can seem bleak at times, I believe that There is Hope (T.I.H.) There is hope for the people of Haiti because God can bring forth beauty from ashes. There is hope for the people of Haiti because His love is relentless and He does no tire or grow weary, even if we do. There is hope for Haiti because God exists and he is sovereign.

So now, every time we are joking around with our community and we see a funny T.I.H moment happen, I am going to try and make that a prayer and remember that there is hope.

When the going gets tough, the tough…fall on their knees & pray

Part 1. Lessons being learned

Transitions are difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I think starting a new chapter in the book of your life is great, but I also know that for me it rarely is a walk in the park.

I have been living in Haiti for 1 month and 4 days now. It has been a hard transition.

Some things I have personally found to be challenging:

1. Culture shock
2. Being homesick
3. Being the only one in the beginning stages of knowing the language while the rest of the team has a pretty decent handle on it (they’ve been here since October of last year)
4. Feeling inadequate
5. Feeling alone
6. Not having a regular schedule (the kinks are still being worked on so we can have a more structured weekly/daily schedule) 

 

I have come to notice that whenever a big change happens in my life, I go through similar emotions before I realize that God is sovereign. Here is my usual train of thought/emotional roller coaster: “What am I doing here?” “I have nothing to offer” “My faith is not strong enough” “I can’t do this” “What is the point of this?” “Did I make a huge mistake by doing this?” “Do I even know how to discern right?” “If I made a mistake then that means I can’t discern well” “Why would God allow me to chose this?” “What am I going to do now?”

I have asked myself those questions & pondered those thoughts many times, through tears and prayers through anxiety and exhaustion. And it never fails, that after I go through all of that for however long it may be, there is calm after the storm.

When things become difficult like that, my first inclination is to pray. I usually call my mom and tell her what is going on so she & my dad can pray with and for me. I also call/write to some of my closest friends letting them know exactly what is going on so they can intercede for me. I can honestly say that prayer has gotten me through the rough waters on to calmer seas. Now, the calmer seas don’t mean I have all the answers or that have it all figured out. It does mean that by the grace of God my heart is reminded and my soul is convicted that everything will be ok, because everything is in His hands, and He works everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). It’s when I remember that He is faithful that I stop freaking out and worrying about everything I don’t see or don’t understand. It’s when I remember who I belong to that my perspective is more closely aligned to His.

Part 2. How God is moving in the mission

• We took in an older gentlemen, named Camille, a little over 2 weeks ago. He had been living on the streets of Haiti for who knows how long. He is in his 80s and has a large tumor, he can’t really walk and was abandoned. Fr. Louis brought him home to the base. We bathed him, fed him, and set up a little room for him. Fr. Louis got in touch with the Missionaries of Charity, explained the situation and found him a home with them. We got to take Camille there (Fr. Louis, Michelle [Fr. Louis’ brother], MarAcrthur, Sara & me) and it was really neat.
• We had a medical team from Canada here for 10 days. They used our facilities for food/housing. I got to help them out at the clinic one day and really enjoyed it because I got to learn quite a bit regarding how a medical mission can be set up. I even got to learn how to remove a foreign body from someone’s eye!
• In my very broken Creole I got to talk with one of the girls that comes here pretty regularly, her name is Lucy and. She was wearing s shirt that was pretty much see through and I wanted to give her a new shirt and explain to her that she has dignity and worth, and because she is worthy of being respected, she needs to believe that and respect her self first by embracing modesty. I also wanted to tell her that she has worth because Jesus loves her. So, I took a minute and talked with her. She actually understood and accepted my offer that I would give her a shirt and she would trade hers in.
• We had our first Life Night (youth group meeting) this past Sunday. It went well given it was our first one. There is definitely a lot of tweaking and adjustments but I think that is ok, it is such a different challenge to introduce a youth ministry style that was developed in the U.S. to a country whose culture is completely different. I think the kids had fun. I can’t wait to develop my language skills further so I can talk with them more one-on-one.
• Kristine the speech pathologist – so I met this girl who has lived in Haiti for over 1 year. She works with Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos in Port-au-Prince. Long story short, I am going to visit her one day to have a fun day and hang out and she is going to see about me staying with her organization at the volunteer housing so I can help out as a nurse at their pediatric clinics for a few days – I am so excited!

Part 3. Song that has been on my heart lately

Great song by Bethany Dillon:

“Put out unto the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” Luke 5:4

So the gospel according to Luke, chapter 5 verses 1 through 11, narrates the story of the calling of Simon Peter, James & John. I’d encourage you to take 5 minutes and read through it.  As I was reflecting on the past 10 days since I’ve been in Haiti, this was the story that came to mind. I read through it again and it became clear why it’s so applicable to my first few days on mission in Haiti.

Jesus gets in Simon’s boat

I find this pretty comical. Here is Simon minding his own business when this Jesus character invades his space. He just gets in Simon’s boat, tells him where to take the boat and starts preaching. How did Simon feel? Was he annoyed? Perplexed? Curious? Suspicious? Afraid? All of the above? In a way, that’s kind of how I feel sometimes when the Lord steps into my boat in a way I did not expect and at a time I did not plan to receive him. When the opportunity to discern living in Haiti as a missionary came up, my life was going pretty well. I was working full-time at a pediatric ER as nurse and I had finally gotten the hang of the fast-paced rhythm of the unit. I was part of a wonderful ministry called The Shepherd’s Café. I was blessed with having time in community with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in Ft. Worth. I was part of a young adult charismatic prayer group, Upper Room. I was living with 2 of my dearest friends with whom I shared a wonderful home. I was praying about my vocation (marriage/family) and thought that maybe I had met the person I might be called to be in a relationship with and I all I had to do is pray a little harder and wait a little longer. But as life would have it, Jesus stepped into my boat.

Jesus tells Simon (an experienced fisherman) how to do his job

With Simon, Jesus told him to put out his nets for a catch just a little off from the shore. Simon questioned Jesus and explained how he had been working all night and had caught nothing. Simon could have refused what Jesus instructed but he chose to follow His lead. Serving as a missionary in a developing country has been a desire in my heart for a long time. Jesus stepped into my boat and asked me to pray about an opportunity to serve him in Haiti. What I didn’t expect was the timing of his invitation and the surrender it would entail. Leaving people that I care for is very difficult. Leaving my job in the ER where I had learned so much regarding pediatric nursing and where I had grown so much as a person was surprisingly difficult. Leaving the “almost maybe” possibility of being in a romantic relationship and what in my mind was “delaying” entering into my vocation (I know that’s not true, it’s just how I felt) was difficult. Having to depend on the Lord financially in everyway was a bit daunting, even scary. Toss in my own insecurities and uncertainties; praying through this invitation was a challenge. But deep down at the very core of me I knew that this invitation is something I had been praying and waiting for, and the only thing holding me back from saying yes would be fear. So now here I am, living in Haiti as a full-time missionary and I can honestly say that - I love it.  There is a lot I don’t know. Just like Simon didn’t know where the fish would come from, and how he would even catch them when he knew as seasoned fishermen that the spot Jesus was telling to let down his net was not optimal (by human reason, not by the Lord’s wisdom/perspective). I know that the medical mission will happen. I don’t know the logistics of it all yet but I know it’s possible and the Lord will provide. I know I am called to marriage/family, I don’t know who/when/how but the Lord does and even though it’s hard to wait I know God is faithful to his promises. I don’t know my exact role within the community but I do know I am called to live in community and to love in community – I believe my role will flow from my trying to be faithful to those two commitments.

Jesus provides Simon and his companions with more than what they expected or believed he could do

If you read the passage in Luke, you’ll know that Simon caught so much fish when he followed Jesus’ instructions that the boat nearly sank. I have been here 10 days and I have:

• ·      Witnessed two first communions
• ·      Witnessed a beautiful wedding
• ·      Witnessed a baptism
• ·      Prayed for 2 people receiving the sacrament of reconciliation for the first time
• ·      Walked for 2 hours (all the while singing, dancing and praying) with over 100 teenagers to a church so we could gather for a talk, adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and praise & worship
• ·      Visited St. Therese hospital and prayed with 4 different children and their parents
• ·      Made an assessment alongside a wonderful cardiologist (Dr. Tim Byrne) for one of the children who has a heart defect, noticed this child also had something particular in his speech patterns and ended up finding a speech pathologist through Fr. Louis Merosne (our priest at the mission base), the speech pathologist was able to meet with the child and his father yesterday morning for an assessment and he will now start sessions to address his speech
• ·      Talked with several people who are interested and want to help with a medical mission in Haiti branching out of our mission base
• ·      Received generous financial donations from people all the way from Switzerland that I have never met
• ·      Learned more about communication and living in community
• ·      Spent time with some of the Life Teen board members and was blessed by their encouragement and fatherly care
• ·      Enjoyed laughing/praying/crying/talking/growing with my missionary sister Sara Vasile
• ·      Had the opportunity to attend daily mass
• ·      Had fruitful and blessed conversations with Fr. Louis
• ·      Learned a little more Creole (I understand more than I can speak but it’s a start)
• ·      Started playing guitar again (I will learn how to play for real, I won’t give up this time)
• ·      Got to take of someone who got hit in the forehead with a rock (I would have loved to had dermabond in hand but I used steri strips and it healed pretty nicely)
• ·      Got to give Joe (an elderly gentlemen that lives across the street for our base) a new mattress, sheets and a pillow and watched him cry with joy and praise God at receiving this gift (he lives in a little hut and slept on a mat on the floor)

Truly the list could be much longer, but I don’t want to make this blog longer than it already is (thanks if you have actually read this far, you’re a trooper J)

Simon Peter, John & James to leave everything and follow Him

There are plenty of things that I still need to “leave” behind in order to follow the Lord more freely & fully. For example I know I need to embrace humility (leaving behind pride), and trust in God (not giving in to doubt). But I know that if I try to be faithful, little by little, it’s the Lord himself that will infuse his grace into my heart and that will allow me to leave what needs to be left behind. As of now, I have in some ways left fear behind. And that allowed me to say yes and embark on the journey I’m currently in.

So, praise God for these past 11 days. And thank you so much for your continued prayers & financial support. Until next time, Paola J

Sara & me - Chacos

Our room (Sara & me)

Beautiful girls we hang out with every week

The wedding of one of our community members, Ginald

Ginald's baby girl also got baptized

Jordan, Sara & Me

Stephen (board member), Randy (LT President), Fr. Louis (our priest at the base)

Brother (wonderful chapel director) and Fr. Louis having a jam session