The other day, out of the blue it seemed, an old sin was brought to mind I found myself feeling downcast & discouraged. I knew this was something I had already brought to light through confession and that I had received the Lord's forgiveness, but even with this knowledge the very reminder of my mistake was enough to weigh me down. And of course the enemy took advantage and threw as much condemnation my way as possible.
I talked with a priest that day and I was able to spend some time in prayer at the Cistercian Abbey (beautiful place, check it out if you're ever in Dallas) and that was so good for my heart. When I talked with the priest he explained that after receiving the grace of absolution in confession your soul is healed from the wound the sin caused (sweet!); however, given our fallen nature and the fact that we live in the world and we are not home (heaven) yet, sin can have a psychological effect on us. So we can experience sorrow from past sin - that is expected. He likened that sorrow to having a scar from a wound. He went on to explain that it takes spiritual maturity to learn how to carry that cross when it is given to us, and unite our sorrow with Christ crucified. It strikes me now that he said "carry the cross," when I hear that, to me it immediately reminds me of Jesus carrying his cross, and how he journeyed and kept walking towards Calvary. So, the priest said we need to learn how to carry the cross - not let the cross crush you or stop walking because the cross is heavy or painful.
I don't have this figured out. But this is what I do know: When the enemy tries to bring me down by reminding me of past sin, I have a choice, I can acknowledge the truth that I am forgiven and I can use the opportunity of feeling that sorrow for sin to pray. It can be a powerful opportunity for me to fall on my knees and thank God for his mercy and to intercede for someone else. That is how I can carry the cross. Or, there's the second option - I can chose to stop, put the cross down, wallow in self-pity & give in to the destructive thoughts of condemnation. I want to chose option number one, I want to carry the cross and abide in my Father's merciful love.
I was also struggling with the question "How could I have ever done that?" And slowly but surely the Lord was revealing to me a little something about pride & the greatness of his mercy. I was getting pretty caught up in the "How could I do this?" and "How could I do that?" - so lots of "me" in there and almost a sense of unbelief that I could chose to be sinful. It was like he was telling me "Yes, you are capable of sin. You are capable of the worst sin BUT that is not what matters, what matters is that my mercy FAR SURPASSES even the worst sin. My mercy is greater." So with that, two other things came to mind: 1) the phrase "severe mercy," and 2) St. Therese of Lisieux.
One of my roommates is reading a book entitled A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I have never read the book but when I heard the title a while back, the phrase just struck me. It made me think of God's mercy as severe, it sounds fitting. I want to read that book, so far I've heard very good things. Concerning St. Therese of Lisieux, in her autobiography, Story of a Soul, she described God's mercy with such radical confidence. She wrote that if she were to commit every possible sin but sought the Lord's forgiveness, it would be like a drop of water (all the possible sins) thrown into a fiery furnace (the Lord's mercy). So the sins would be completely consumed and nothing but his mercy would remain.
I will close with this quote by John Newton, "My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things; That I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour." - and praise God that He is.
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt
