When the going gets tough, the tough…fall on their knees & pray

Part 1. Lessons being learned

Transitions are difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I think starting a new chapter in the book of your life is great, but I also know that for me it rarely is a walk in the park.

I have been living in Haiti for 1 month and 4 days now. It has been a hard transition.

Some things I have personally found to be challenging:

1. Culture shock
2. Being homesick
3. Being the only one in the beginning stages of knowing the language while the rest of the team has a pretty decent handle on it (they’ve been here since October of last year)
4. Feeling inadequate
5. Feeling alone
6. Not having a regular schedule (the kinks are still being worked on so we can have a more structured weekly/daily schedule) 

 

I have come to notice that whenever a big change happens in my life, I go through similar emotions before I realize that God is sovereign. Here is my usual train of thought/emotional roller coaster: “What am I doing here?” “I have nothing to offer” “My faith is not strong enough” “I can’t do this” “What is the point of this?” “Did I make a huge mistake by doing this?” “Do I even know how to discern right?” “If I made a mistake then that means I can’t discern well” “Why would God allow me to chose this?” “What am I going to do now?”

I have asked myself those questions & pondered those thoughts many times, through tears and prayers through anxiety and exhaustion. And it never fails, that after I go through all of that for however long it may be, there is calm after the storm.

When things become difficult like that, my first inclination is to pray. I usually call my mom and tell her what is going on so she & my dad can pray with and for me. I also call/write to some of my closest friends letting them know exactly what is going on so they can intercede for me. I can honestly say that prayer has gotten me through the rough waters on to calmer seas. Now, the calmer seas don’t mean I have all the answers or that have it all figured out. It does mean that by the grace of God my heart is reminded and my soul is convicted that everything will be ok, because everything is in His hands, and He works everything for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). It’s when I remember that He is faithful that I stop freaking out and worrying about everything I don’t see or don’t understand. It’s when I remember who I belong to that my perspective is more closely aligned to His.

Part 2. How God is moving in the mission

• We took in an older gentlemen, named Camille, a little over 2 weeks ago. He had been living on the streets of Haiti for who knows how long. He is in his 80s and has a large tumor, he can’t really walk and was abandoned. Fr. Louis brought him home to the base. We bathed him, fed him, and set up a little room for him. Fr. Louis got in touch with the Missionaries of Charity, explained the situation and found him a home with them. We got to take Camille there (Fr. Louis, Michelle [Fr. Louis’ brother], MarAcrthur, Sara & me) and it was really neat.
• We had a medical team from Canada here for 10 days. They used our facilities for food/housing. I got to help them out at the clinic one day and really enjoyed it because I got to learn quite a bit regarding how a medical mission can be set up. I even got to learn how to remove a foreign body from someone’s eye!
• In my very broken Creole I got to talk with one of the girls that comes here pretty regularly, her name is Lucy and. She was wearing s shirt that was pretty much see through and I wanted to give her a new shirt and explain to her that she has dignity and worth, and because she is worthy of being respected, she needs to believe that and respect her self first by embracing modesty. I also wanted to tell her that she has worth because Jesus loves her. So, I took a minute and talked with her. She actually understood and accepted my offer that I would give her a shirt and she would trade hers in.
• We had our first Life Night (youth group meeting) this past Sunday. It went well given it was our first one. There is definitely a lot of tweaking and adjustments but I think that is ok, it is such a different challenge to introduce a youth ministry style that was developed in the U.S. to a country whose culture is completely different. I think the kids had fun. I can’t wait to develop my language skills further so I can talk with them more one-on-one.
• Kristine the speech pathologist – so I met this girl who has lived in Haiti for over 1 year. She works with Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos in Port-au-Prince. Long story short, I am going to visit her one day to have a fun day and hang out and she is going to see about me staying with her organization at the volunteer housing so I can help out as a nurse at their pediatric clinics for a few days – I am so excited!

Part 3. Song that has been on my heart lately

Great song by Bethany Dillon:

“Put out unto the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” Luke 5:4

So the gospel according to Luke, chapter 5 verses 1 through 11, narrates the story of the calling of Simon Peter, James & John. I’d encourage you to take 5 minutes and read through it.  As I was reflecting on the past 10 days since I’ve been in Haiti, this was the story that came to mind. I read through it again and it became clear why it’s so applicable to my first few days on mission in Haiti.

Jesus gets in Simon’s boat

I find this pretty comical. Here is Simon minding his own business when this Jesus character invades his space. He just gets in Simon’s boat, tells him where to take the boat and starts preaching. How did Simon feel? Was he annoyed? Perplexed? Curious? Suspicious? Afraid? All of the above? In a way, that’s kind of how I feel sometimes when the Lord steps into my boat in a way I did not expect and at a time I did not plan to receive him. When the opportunity to discern living in Haiti as a missionary came up, my life was going pretty well. I was working full-time at a pediatric ER as nurse and I had finally gotten the hang of the fast-paced rhythm of the unit. I was part of a wonderful ministry called The Shepherd’s Café. I was blessed with having time in community with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in Ft. Worth. I was part of a young adult charismatic prayer group, Upper Room. I was living with 2 of my dearest friends with whom I shared a wonderful home. I was praying about my vocation (marriage/family) and thought that maybe I had met the person I might be called to be in a relationship with and I all I had to do is pray a little harder and wait a little longer. But as life would have it, Jesus stepped into my boat.

Jesus tells Simon (an experienced fisherman) how to do his job

With Simon, Jesus told him to put out his nets for a catch just a little off from the shore. Simon questioned Jesus and explained how he had been working all night and had caught nothing. Simon could have refused what Jesus instructed but he chose to follow His lead. Serving as a missionary in a developing country has been a desire in my heart for a long time. Jesus stepped into my boat and asked me to pray about an opportunity to serve him in Haiti. What I didn’t expect was the timing of his invitation and the surrender it would entail. Leaving people that I care for is very difficult. Leaving my job in the ER where I had learned so much regarding pediatric nursing and where I had grown so much as a person was surprisingly difficult. Leaving the “almost maybe” possibility of being in a romantic relationship and what in my mind was “delaying” entering into my vocation (I know that’s not true, it’s just how I felt) was difficult. Having to depend on the Lord financially in everyway was a bit daunting, even scary. Toss in my own insecurities and uncertainties; praying through this invitation was a challenge. But deep down at the very core of me I knew that this invitation is something I had been praying and waiting for, and the only thing holding me back from saying yes would be fear. So now here I am, living in Haiti as a full-time missionary and I can honestly say that - I love it.  There is a lot I don’t know. Just like Simon didn’t know where the fish would come from, and how he would even catch them when he knew as seasoned fishermen that the spot Jesus was telling to let down his net was not optimal (by human reason, not by the Lord’s wisdom/perspective). I know that the medical mission will happen. I don’t know the logistics of it all yet but I know it’s possible and the Lord will provide. I know I am called to marriage/family, I don’t know who/when/how but the Lord does and even though it’s hard to wait I know God is faithful to his promises. I don’t know my exact role within the community but I do know I am called to live in community and to love in community – I believe my role will flow from my trying to be faithful to those two commitments.

Jesus provides Simon and his companions with more than what they expected or believed he could do

If you read the passage in Luke, you’ll know that Simon caught so much fish when he followed Jesus’ instructions that the boat nearly sank. I have been here 10 days and I have:

• ·      Witnessed two first communions
• ·      Witnessed a beautiful wedding
• ·      Witnessed a baptism
• ·      Prayed for 2 people receiving the sacrament of reconciliation for the first time
• ·      Walked for 2 hours (all the while singing, dancing and praying) with over 100 teenagers to a church so we could gather for a talk, adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and praise & worship
• ·      Visited St. Therese hospital and prayed with 4 different children and their parents
• ·      Made an assessment alongside a wonderful cardiologist (Dr. Tim Byrne) for one of the children who has a heart defect, noticed this child also had something particular in his speech patterns and ended up finding a speech pathologist through Fr. Louis Merosne (our priest at the mission base), the speech pathologist was able to meet with the child and his father yesterday morning for an assessment and he will now start sessions to address his speech
• ·      Talked with several people who are interested and want to help with a medical mission in Haiti branching out of our mission base
• ·      Received generous financial donations from people all the way from Switzerland that I have never met
• ·      Learned more about communication and living in community
• ·      Spent time with some of the Life Teen board members and was blessed by their encouragement and fatherly care
• ·      Enjoyed laughing/praying/crying/talking/growing with my missionary sister Sara Vasile
• ·      Had the opportunity to attend daily mass
• ·      Had fruitful and blessed conversations with Fr. Louis
• ·      Learned a little more Creole (I understand more than I can speak but it’s a start)
• ·      Started playing guitar again (I will learn how to play for real, I won’t give up this time)
• ·      Got to take of someone who got hit in the forehead with a rock (I would have loved to had dermabond in hand but I used steri strips and it healed pretty nicely)
• ·      Got to give Joe (an elderly gentlemen that lives across the street for our base) a new mattress, sheets and a pillow and watched him cry with joy and praise God at receiving this gift (he lives in a little hut and slept on a mat on the floor)

Truly the list could be much longer, but I don’t want to make this blog longer than it already is (thanks if you have actually read this far, you’re a trooper J)

Simon Peter, John & James to leave everything and follow Him

There are plenty of things that I still need to “leave” behind in order to follow the Lord more freely & fully. For example I know I need to embrace humility (leaving behind pride), and trust in God (not giving in to doubt). But I know that if I try to be faithful, little by little, it’s the Lord himself that will infuse his grace into my heart and that will allow me to leave what needs to be left behind. As of now, I have in some ways left fear behind. And that allowed me to say yes and embark on the journey I’m currently in.

So, praise God for these past 11 days. And thank you so much for your continued prayers & financial support. Until next time, Paola J

Sara & me - Chacos

Our room (Sara & me)

Beautiful girls we hang out with every week

The wedding of one of our community members, Ginald

Ginald's baby girl also got baptized

Jordan, Sara & Me

Stephen (board member), Randy (LT President), Fr. Louis (our priest at the base)

Brother (wonderful chapel director) and Fr. Louis having a jam session

"To love another person is to see the face of God..."

So this is it. My plane for my flight to Haiti takes off tomorrow, January 15th at 6:40pm (Eastern). I am moving to Haiti tomorrow...HAITI! Haha :D For years I've had a deeply rooted desire to serve in missions in a developing country and now it's actually happening. This is real life. WHOA.

Am I scared, nervous, excited? Yes. Sometimes I get scared of all that I do not know. Sometimes I am nervous that I am moving to a completely different country with whose culture I am not very familiar with and whose language I do not know yet. Most days I am excited because I know that only the Lord could have orchestrated such a series of events to lead my life to this point, and I know He will do great things for His children in Haiti. All He asks for is a "yes" and He does the rest. Often times I forget that.

The main focus of the mission is youth ministry - outreach to Haitian youth so they can come to know and learn of the love God and the truth of the Gospel. The fact that 13 years ago someone cared enough for my soul to reach out and share the Gospel with me didn't just change my life, it brought me to life. I am thankful that I can hopefully be an instrument to help young people come to know the heart of God.

Aside from youth ministry, it is my hope and prayer to start a medical mission. I am a pediatric registered nurse and my background ranges from general pediatrics, ICU, clinic and the Emergency Department. Right now I am praying and talking with people I know have been involved in medical missions so I can get a better idea of what it entails. The more I talk with those who have walked before me, the more convicted my heart becomes that this is possible and that it can happen.

More than once I have been prayed for and the phrase that has been repeated it that the Lord would "expand my capacity to love." To be honest, that scares me a little. I have moved pretty often. I have lived in Guatemala, California, Maryland, Georgia & Texas. Every time I have left, my heart breaks because I leave people that I love behind. It's really hard because my heart hurts. So that's why the prayer to "expand my capacity to love" can be scary to me, because that means I will feel more deeply which means I can potentially hurt more deeply. But when you really think about it, even if you can potentially feel hurt when you love, love is always much greater and it far surpasses the hurt in every possible way. I know it to be true that "love bears all things."

I recently watched "Les Miserables" - OH MY GOODNESS! It was fantastic! I really loved the character of Jean Valjean. Many things struck me about his character, but I think what stood out to me the most was his consistent choice to love. He loved until it hurt and that brought forth life for the people in his life.

So here I go. I thank you for your prayers & support. And I will continue to keep the updates coming.

Until next time :)

This is home...

My Heart

I had the opportunity of traveling to Haiti last week before I move to the mission base in mid-January. I experienced a wide range of emotions- I am so very thankful that God is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:19). My thoughts and feelings were a potpourri of fear, excitement, insecurity, doubt, conviction, uncertainty, gratitude - whew, again, I am so thankful that God is greater than my heart and that He knows me through and through (Psalm 139).

If I can pin-point the main challenge I encountered, I'd say it can very well be boiled down to trust. Looking through my journal entries from the week, I noticed that all the emotions that were burdensome often times stemmed from not knowing how things will work out or what they will look like.

It would be much easier to trust the Lord with my life if I knew exactly how every little detail would play out - but that leaves no room for me to actually trust Him.

So yes, there are many things I don't know. I am not sure how the Lord will use my skills as a nurse, I don't really know what my role in the community at the mission base will look like, I have no clue how God will lead me to enter into my vocation (marriage/family), I don't know why He would ever send someone like myself on mission when so often I feel very weak and not quite bold in my faith - but alas, He doesn't ask me to have it all together, He just asks me for a faithful yes.

I figure, if I keep saying "yes," He will continue to lead me, mold me, refine me, strengthen me, and use me for His greater glory. At the end of the day, that is really all I want.

A dear friend of mine sent me a letter recently, and he included a quote by St. Therese of Lisieux (one of my faves): "How happy I am to feel myself imperfect and to have such need of God's mercy. It is wonderful to feel oneself weak, and small. I am glad always to find myself imperfect; indeed there lies my greatest joy..." Such a good reminder that His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9).

I often feel like, gosh, if only I were better at x, y & z I'd be set. Or I think, if I could just get rid of this and that, I'd be good. But then I think, ok if all these things I want fixed or gone are the very things that bring me to my knees in prayer, then Lord give me the grace to embrace these little crosses, because I rather be on my knees before you than to ever live like I don't need You.

The title of this blog is "This is home..." The reason is that the song by Switchfoot kept playing over and over in my head as I was reflecting on my week in Haiti.

Highlights

On a lighter note, the week in Haiti was a blessing in countless ways. I got to know, pray with, laugh with, sing with, and journey alongside the 1st year Life Teen missionaries. What a joy it was to spend time with them. And a sweet gift was that Chris Benzinger (Director for LT Missions) also came with us to Haiti. Chris is like a big brother to me and his presence in my life is such an encouragement.

I also got to spend time with 2 of my missionary sisters, Sara & Kaitlin. We lived together back in 2009 during our mission formation year (like missionary school) and they have a dear place in my heart. I actually get to live with Sara in Haiti, which is CRAZY, since we talked about how maybe one day we would be on mission together in a developing country...and now it's actually happening.

During our time in Haiti we got to:

*Visit the sick on multiple occasions in the village where our base is located - this was bittersweet. As a nurse having background in general pediatrics, ICU, clinic and ER here in the U.S.A., I am used to having resources at my fingertips and a team of people to work with. Now, in Haiti, I am the only healthcare professional on the base and I have very little resources. So when we visited the sick all I could offer was basic care (i.e. Tylenol, Motrin, explain how to manage fever/dehydration) and let people know if they should go to a hospital for further care. It was hard to not be able to give more, medically speaking. However, I was able to pray with each person we visited and thankfully every person we saw did improve.

*Have a 1.5 hour procession from the mission base to the church where praise & worship/adoration would take place, the procession was us walking (and at times dancing) in pairs of two on the side of the road, accompanied by a truck that was jammed pack with a band that was playing worship songs, with Fr. Louis and another priest also marching on, inviting people we encountered along the way to join in, all the while getting wet since it rained - it was pretty great :)

*Minister to young girls that come to the base, almost daily, with our very limited and broken Creole. These girls are beautiful and they are just thirsting to be loved and appreciated. I can't wait until I can actually speak decent Creole so we can get started on breaking open scripture with them.

*A few of the missionaries from our group accompanied Fr. Louis to a prayer gathering aimed at deliverance ministry. There is a lot of voo-doo in Haiti so this ministry is certainly needed.

*Work on construction projects at the base (kitchen, bathrooms, stations of the cross).

*Hike in the mountains to visit and pray with beautiful elderly lady Madam Mordje

*Visit the Movin' with the Spirit orphanage, Kay Mari

*Visit a monastery and pray over Haiti

A glimpse of the mission base (John Paul II Center for the New Evangelizaion):

*Our backyard - it's pretty surreal

*Hallway leading to the dinning area/2 missionary dorm rooms

*Path leading to the girls' dorm and the meeting room, boys' dorm is on the right

*Bathroom

 *Kitchen patio

 *Meeting room

I took several pictures which you can view by clicking this link.

So in conclusion, God is good, I am excited and nervous about being a part of something new, and even though there is a lot I don't know, what I do know is Whom I belong to - and that is enough.

"Severe Mercy"

Recently I have been learning a bit more about mercy. Specifically how vast and unfathomably infinite is the mercy the Lord has.

The other day, out of the blue it seemed, an old sin was brought to mind I found myself feeling downcast & discouraged. I knew this was something I had already brought to light through confession and that I had received the Lord's forgiveness, but even with this knowledge the very reminder of my mistake was enough to weigh me down. And of course the enemy took advantage and threw as much condemnation my way as possible.

I talked with a priest that day and I was able to spend some time in prayer at the Cistercian Abbey (beautiful place, check it out if you're ever in Dallas) and that was so good for my heart. When I talked with the priest he explained that after receiving the grace of absolution in confession your soul is healed from the wound the sin caused (sweet!); however, given our fallen nature and the fact that we live in the world and we are not home (heaven) yet, sin can have a psychological effect on us. So we can experience sorrow from past sin - that is expected. He likened that sorrow to having a scar from a wound. He went on to explain that it takes spiritual maturity to learn how to carry that cross when it is given to us, and unite our sorrow with Christ crucified. It strikes me now that he said "carry the cross," when I hear that, to me it immediately reminds me of Jesus carrying his cross, and how he journeyed and kept walking towards Calvary. So, the priest said we need to learn how to carry the cross - not let the cross crush you or stop walking because the cross is heavy or painful.

I don't have this figured out. But this is what I do know: When the enemy tries to bring me down by reminding me of past sin, I have a choice, I can acknowledge the truth that I am forgiven and I can use the opportunity of feeling that sorrow for sin to pray. It can be a powerful opportunity for me to fall on my knees and thank God for his mercy and to intercede for someone else. That is how I can carry the cross. Or, there's the second option - I can chose to stop, put the cross down, wallow in self-pity & give in to the destructive thoughts of condemnation. I want to chose option number one, I want to carry the cross and abide in my Father's merciful love.

I was also struggling with the question "How could I have ever done that?" And slowly but surely the Lord was revealing to me a little something about pride & the greatness of his mercy. I was getting pretty caught up in the "How could I do this?" and "How could I do that?" - so lots of "me" in there and almost a sense of unbelief that I could chose to be sinful. It was like he was telling me "Yes, you are capable of sin. You are capable of the worst sin BUT that is not what matters, what matters is that my mercy FAR SURPASSES even the worst sin. My mercy is greater." So with that, two other things came to mind: 1) the phrase "severe mercy," and 2) St. Therese of Lisieux.

One of my roommates is reading a book entitled A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I have never read the book but when I heard the title a while back, the phrase just struck me. It made me think of God's mercy as severe, it sounds fitting. I want to read that book, so far I've heard very good things. Concerning St. Therese of Lisieux, in her autobiography, Story of a Soul, she described God's mercy with such radical confidence. She wrote that if she were to commit every possible sin but sought the Lord's forgiveness, it would be like a drop of water (all the possible sins) thrown into a fiery furnace (the Lord's mercy). So the sins would be completely consumed and nothing but his mercy would remain.

I will close with this quote by John Newton, "My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things; That I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour."  - and praise God that He is.

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt

Wisdom Teeth Rant - or should I be Thankful?

So I got my wisdom teeth (a whopping 4 teeth, 2 of 'em were impacted) surgically removed this past Wednesday. OH MY GOODNESS. I have not had any major surgery since I was 6 years old. Getting 4 teeth taken out of my mouth has proven to be more difficult than I anticipated.

The actual surgery was not the issue, I was under anesthesia for that part, it's more the post-op days that have hit me like a Mac truck. I knew I would have to eat things like pudding, ice cream and mashed potatoes. I knew I would of be out-of-commission as far as work goes, I knew I would be on bed rest so I could fully recover....but I didn't know how the combination of all these things would affect me.

I grew tired of eating mushy things by day 2. I am still avoiding solid foods but I every time I head to the fridge, the thought of my options (pudding, yogurt, soup, apple sauce) make me feel like a 5-year old being forced to eat brussels sprouts.

My first 2 days of lounging on the couch & watching movies were ok. But after that, I began getting cabin fever. I wanted to break free! I yearned to go for a walk, to start packing my clothes (to get ready for my move back to ATL), to do something that required movement.  So alas, here I am on day 4 after the surgery and I had to miss work tonight because I am still not fully recovered :(

In the midst of all this whining- I feel like the Lord has been trying to speak to me. A consistent thought has been "thankful." Like God has been telling me, "Ok, I know you are tired, I know you are hurting, I know you are frustrated...but take a minute to really look at your current situation and tell me what you are thankful for." BOOM. I think the Lord has been saying that over and over since I began growing frustration instead of thankfulness.

There are a vast number of things for me to be thankful for! Way more than for me to whine about.
Here are a few:

1. The surgery went well, no complications
2. My friend Rachel took almost a whole day off from work so she could take care of me
3. My friend Becca got me a slew of movies so I could watch
4. Becca also bought me a yummy smoothie from Jamba Juice & she visited me
5. I've gotten calls from family & friends checking in on me
6. I have a house I can rest at
7. I have a job that can pay for my health insurance so I could get the surgery
8. I have food to eat
9. I was able to get the surgery before moving to Haiti
10. Being the "patient" instead of the nurse is teaching me way more in the way of compassion, it is s easy to forget how our physical bodies can take a toll on our emotional well-being

So, yes - there is plenty to be thankful for.

After realizing this my immediate temptation is to become frustrated with myself for getting frustrated and not being thankful and not being good enough etc....and to this I must stand firm and say "NO!" I can stand in my Heavenly Father's unconditional love for me, the infinite patience He has for me. And you know what, even when I can't stand, I can very well fall on my knees and know He has me.

I think in times like these where my heart is being molded & refined, God looks at me with tenderness. He does not look at me with condemnation. God does want me to see how the posture of my heart needs to change, but He does not want me to wallow in self-pity when I realize I make a mistake. He shows me these things (in this case, how I can embrace a posture of thankfulness) so I can grow in His likeness and so I can better receive His love.

Video Footage!

A short video on the mission thus far: